Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived with her mother in a small house at the edge of a big forest.
The girl had a bright red cape with a hood and it was so striking that everyone called her Little Red Riding Hood.
One day her mother said, "Sweetie, I'm preparing a basket of treats for your dear grandmother. She's not feeling well and a visit from you would cheer her up.”
Soon the basket of treats was ready.
Little Red Riding Hood put on her cape and her mother gave her final instructions.
"Sweetie, remember, follow the path through the woods until you reach your grandmother's house. And remember, do not stop along the way and do not talk to strangers. Stay on the path. Do not wander in the woods. Do not stop and pick flowers. Stay out of trouble, please.”
"Yeah, yeah,” said Little Red Riding Hood. "No problem.”
She grabbed the basket of goodies and was out the door in a flash.
Soon she was skipping down the path through the woods.
Birds were chirping, the sun was shining through the leaves, and it was a gorgeous day for a walk in the woods.
Little Red Riding Hood, as usual, quickly forgot her mother's instructions. She stopped to pick some flowers here. She stopped to admire the view there. Every now and then she would wander off the path because something looked interesting.
Slowly she made progress towards her grandmother's house. Then all of a sudden a big wolf jumped into the path in front of her.
Little Red Riding Hood stopped.
"Hello," said the wolf. "Where are you going?"
"Oh," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.”
"I'm not a stranger," said the wolf. "I'm a wolf.”
"Oh, then it's okay if I talk to you," said Little Red Riding Hood. "You're not a stranger. You're a wolf. I must say you startled me when you jumped out like that.”
The wolf looked puzzled. He took a book from his pocket. (He was wearing pants), and he thumbed through it.
"Stardle, startle, startle," he said. "How do you spell that?”
"S-T-A-R-T-L-E," said Little Red Riding Hood. "It means surprise.”
The wolf kept turning the pages of his book.
"Aha," he said. "Here it is, startle, startle, to startle, to surprise, to shock.”
"No, no," said Little Red Riding Hood. "Shock has nothing to do with it. You startled me when you appeared in the path so abruptly.”
"Abruptly," said the wolf. "Abruptly, abruptly.”
"Never mind," said Little Red Riding Hood. "Startle means to surprise. Do you know the word surprise?”
"Yes, I do," said the wolf. "I'm a very well-educated wolf, and I'm trying to become more educated, but that has nothing to do with our present circumstances.”
"Ooh, nice one," said Little Red Riding Hood. "Circumstances is a ten dollar word.”
"Really," said the wolf. "I had no idea.” He looked very pleased. "Ten dollar word. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, where are you going, little girl? And by the way, what is your name?”
"My name is Little Red Riding Hood," said the girl. "Can you guess why?”
The wolf looked thoughtful. "Umm. Yes," he said. "You're wearing a red cape with a red hood. So of course that's your nickname, ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. And where are you going, Miss Riding Hood?”
"Well," said Little Red Riding Hood, "I know I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, but since you're a wolf and not a stranger, I can tell you I'm going to the little house at the other end of this path, and that's where my grandmother lives. She's feeling poorly, so I'm bringing her a basket of goodies.”
"That's very nice," said the wolf. “I think you're the sweetest thing since pigeon pie. Have you considered bringing your sweet old grandmother a bouquet of flowers, freshly picked wildflowers from the woods?”
"What a brilliant idea," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I will pick some flowers right now. And you, are you going to go somewhere?”
"Oh, indeed I am," said the wolf. "I am going to vanish in about 30 seconds, and who knows, perhaps I'll see you later.”
With that, he turned and bounded away down the path.
Little Red Riding Hood picked some pretty flowers, blue ones, red ones, yellow ones, multicolor ones, purple and violet and lavender ones, and when she had finished a nice bouquet, she continued on her way to her grandmother's cottage.
But in the meantime, the wolf, who could run very fast indeed when he wanted to, had already arrived at the cottage.
He rapped on the door.
"Who's there?” said the voice.
"It's me, Little Red Riding Hood," said the wolf.
"Come in, dearie," said the grandmother. The door is not locked.”
"That's good," thought the wolf, "because I don't have any keys.”
He opened the door, came in, and in one huge gulp swallowed the old woman.
Then, thinking quickly, he put on a nightdress and a bathrobe that he found lying on a chair, climbed into bed, and pulled the covers up to his chin. That old lady was a little bit bony, he thought, but still a good appetizer.
"Now I'll just wait for Little Red Riding Hood to come, and that will be the main course.” He patted his belly and licked his chops in anticipation and took a quick snooze.
Soon Little Red Riding Hood arrived at the door of the cottage.
"Grandmother," she called.
"Come in, dear," said the wolf, trying to imitate the old lady's voice.
Little Red Riding Hood opened the door and came in.
There she saw her grandmother in bed.
"Funny," thought Little Red Riding Hood. "Grandmother must be feeling terrible because she looks terrible.”
She approached the bed.
"Grandmother," she said, "what big eyes you have.”
"The better to see you with, my dear.”
"Grandmother, what a long nose you have.”
"The better to sniff you with, my dear.”
"Grandmother, what big ears you have.”
"The better to hear you with, my dear, but please come a little closer. You know I'm hard of hearing.”
Little Red Riding Hood came closer to her grandmother.
"And grandmother," she said, "what big teeth you have.”
"The better to eat you up with, my dear," shouted the wolf. He leaped out of bed and swallowed Little Red Riding Hood in one gulp.
Then, because the bed was soft and comfy, he climbed back in and was soon snoring like a buzzsaw.
In a few minutes, a hunter happened to pass by the cottage. When he heard the snoring, he stopped.
"My goodness," he thought, "that does not sound like grandmother's tiny little snore. That sounds like a big sawmill in operation. I better go see if grandmother is okay.”
As soon as he entered the cottage, he saw what had happened. There was the wolf sound asleep in grandmother's bed. His belly was huge.
"I'll shoot him," said the hunter, but then he stopped. "Wait. Perhaps he has swallowed them alive.”
So he took his gun and blew out the wolf’s brains. It made quite a mess, but he was a hunter. He didn't care. Then carefully he took his knife and he slit open the abdomen of the big dead wolf.
Out jumped Little Red Riding Hood and out crawled her grandmother.
"Oh, thank you," said the grandmother. "It was dark and yucky in there.”
"It was disgusting," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I've never been in such a slimy place.”
They both looked at the dead wolf.
"Good job, Mr. Hunter," said the grandmother. “You blew his brains out. Made kind of a mess of my bedroom, though.”
"I'll help you clean it," said the hunter.
"Me too," said Little Red Riding Hood. "But first, why don't we have a snack?” She held up the basket. "Look, Grandma, a basket of goodies.”
"Great," said grandmother. "I feel better already. Especially I feel better because I'm not inside a wolf. Come on, Mr. Hunter. Let's set the table and have a party.” And so they did.
When they were all done, the hunter dragged the dead wolf outside. Then he came back in and he and grandmother and Little Red Riding Hood cleaned up the mess and everybody lived happily ever after.
Except for the wolf, of course.
But nobody said the life of a predator was easy.